There’s a funny thing I do that surprises most of the students who take my courses.
For each of these offerings — Webinar Seduction, Copy Seduction, and Product Seduction — I have a private Facebook group where students can ask questions. And at the beginning of each group, I make a request:
When you post a question: Ask the question FIRST.
Because what most people do instead is bury them inside endless paragraphs of backstory. And if you’re sincerely interested in an answer to your question, that’s exactly the wrong thing to do.
Because if someone has call out a search party to look for the question buried in your story, chances are they’re not going to find it.
Now the thing that’s important here has this has nothing to do with asking questions in a Facebook group. And everything to do with the fact that your attachment to your story is destroying your chances at a successful business.
Because sometimes we are so hellbent on diving into the endless details of the story around our problem … we miss any chance at finding the answer that can get us past it.
And while venting feels great, we often do it at the expense of our success.
Now I’m not talking about the powerful stories you tell to position your value to your target market. Or the stories you tell your prospects to show them what you have overcome on your path to success. That position you as THE BEST person to take them on the path to their success.
I’m also not talking about the concise specific details that help get you the answer you’re looking for.
I’m talking about the stories you tell, over and over about:
- How someone screwed you. And what incredibly obnoxious idiots they were in doing it.
- The exhaustive, detailed history about why you haven’t been able to crack this nut in the past.
- Why the folks trying to help you never get you. And how successful you would be if they only did.
- And any of number of other details that keep you tied to the problem, instead of the solution.
While its true there are places you can go and people you can work with who can help you handle your story if its getting in the way, one of those places is not your business.
And while you CAN use something that happened to you to fuel your passion and sense of mission in your business, if you don’t let go of the story and get on with the business, it will get in the way of the business. To the point where it will drive your business (and you!) into the ground.
Because the bottom line is:
So, if you’d like to stop putting your story first and start putting the solution (and your success) first, here are a few tips and a fun game that can help you cop to when you start throwing all your energy into your story. So you can stop it and get what you really want: Which is the solution beyond the story.
Holy moly, that sure sounds crazy doesn’t it? The thing is, when you go into your story you’re doing the exact same thing:
- You’re funding the problem with your energy, instead of the solution.
- You’re funding something that angers you off, instead of something you believe in.
- You’re funding your story instead of your success.
- You’re funding the reasons why you can’t succeed, instead of the reasons why you can.
- You’re funding your victimhood instead of your victory.
And you are ensuring your future looks a lot like your past.
Look I get it: It feels so good to go into excruciating detail on the stories and situations that piss you off. And all the reasons why you’re not where you want to be.
But you do that at the expense of getting the answers that move you beyond the story forever. That helps ensure you never have to go through something like that again.
Because the important thing to understand is, the more you cling to your story, the harder it is to get to that golden future that waits for you, right on the other side of it:
And at some point you have to make a choice which is the one you really want.
Working with people affected by ADHD, my clients struggle with this all the time. I, of course do too. With my clients when they get going into a story and not their question, I say “Skip the preamble.”
Explaining that we tend to feel we have to set context or give an opening like the constitution which is unnecessary. Furthermore, if they are worried people will miss the nuance of their question, (which they often are) trust the listener. The listener, will ask for clarification or more information if it is necessary. Don’t assume the listener needs your help to understand the question.
Great topic, still working on the skill set, and I have observed that “skipping the preamble” also makes you appear more professional and clear minded which of course is an asset to one’s business.
Hi Rob! Excellent summation of a concept I have been working. You’ve put it in fewer words than I could!
Thank you CJ! Glad this was helpful. Was at an event this week, and so many of the participants get so lost in their story, they never get to the issue that’s causing the problem. Feel free to use this if it helps!
What a great post! Very inciteful, and really a metaphore for so much else not just business coaching – spiritual coaching, yoga, wellness coaching, training and transformation of any kind – there is always a story and sometimes a great list of them that become all the reasons for not doing something.
Wise words indeed.
I think I shall be referring people to this article more than once, lol!
Thank you
Thank you Jocelyne! Yes, whatever the goal, people use their stories to keep themselves from taking action. It’s interesting: The more folks want something, they more they use their story to keep themselves from getting it.
And yes, if it helps refer an many folks as you want to this … that’s what its there for.
So beautifully put, Rob. Thanks for this gem. I like a practice that’s attributed to a native people’s custom: It’s good to have someone witness your pain, so tell your story three times. Only three times. And then you’re done – leaving your story behind. It’s tricky to practice. But it sure feels good. And, as you point out, allows success to open up. Great!
Thank you Janet. I like it! Don’t avoid the story … but understand when its getting old and its time to move on. Great response!
Right on, Rob! A great reminder to not rehearse problems and instead move into solutions. Next step, telling a story of what you DO want!
Great post, Rob!
Best to invest your energy into your possibilities, not your problems/past!
Thank you Julie Ann! Look for where the solution is. And be open to them.
Quick question: how do you become aware of ‘clinging to the story’ without external intervention?
Hi Lisa — the step first is awareness. And I think you start by noticing when others do it. Like my friend at dinner, where you can actually see how much it gets in the way. The next step is you ask, “Do I ever do that?” Because once you ask yourself that, you will start becoming aware of when you really go into a story and how that doesn’t serve you.
Of course if the issue is really embedded, you may need someone skilled to help you, which I said in the post But you start with simple awareness of when others do it, which helps you become aware of when (or if) you do it.
Wow. I know a few clients I need to send this to! 😉
Thanks Rob!
Thanks Margaret! Glad this helped!